redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
The Missile Crisis/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW I like having a large vehicle. It makes me feel safer. I like sitting up nice and high so I can see the cops sooner. The problem with any of these vans or s.U.V.S or whatever is when you go around a corner they roll over. I find that inconvenient. That's because they're top heavy -- but then, so am I. So I attached this landing gear, from this old airplane I found somewhere -- it's not important really. And now, whenever I take a corner too fast, the landing gear is going to stop me from becoming airborne, see? But you know what they say, actions speak louder than words. And I know a lot of you don't hear too well. [ cheers and applause ] thanks very much. Appreciate it. It's been a strange week up at the lodge this week. Lloyd carson passed away. Yeah, that's pretty much the same way we feel. Lloyd was a weird guy. He was one of those military nuts, always dressed for combat, you know. He was married four times. Maybe that explains it. I always got along okay with lloyd, as long as he'd taken his medication. This actually was lloyd's musket, but it's ours now. See, because the bank has seized his property because of debts being owed there, but they said any lodge member can go over and take any piece of junk they want, eh -- as long as they get it off the property. It's fantastic. Uncle red! Uncle red! Oh -- did you steal that musket from a dead guy? Shame on you. Shame on you. Harold, it's not stealing when the bank does it. It's called meeting your fiduciary responsibilities. Oh-ho! You don't even know the meaning of that word. No, responsibility. Fiduciary? And fiduciary. Harold, all I know is the bank just wants the house and the land, and they told us we can have anything else we find, as long as we remove it from the property. I still think it's wrong. Lloyd was a weird guy. You could find all sorts of dangerous stuff over there. You know, maybe you should come over, kind of pick around. You might be able to find yourself a life. Red! We got big trouble over at the carson place. What? Well, the water tasted funny, so we shone a light down the well, and you'll never guess what we saw when we looked down there. Stinky peterson? No. A missile. A missile, red, what? Pointing straight up at us. Oh, no! Oh, no! We're all going to die and I've never been with a woman! Go ahead. Go ahead. There's nothing to worry about, harold. There's nothing dangerous going on. The missile's not any problem at all. We'll just hoist her out of there, no sweat. Red, it's a missile. Well, so what? Those don't just go off. And now it's time to play the possum lodge word game. [ cheers and applause ] today's winner will receive a coupon for three tanning sessions at the port asbestos leather factory. Okay, cover your ears. Red, you have 30 seconds to get ranger gord to say this word... All right, ed. And... Go. Okay, gord. This is something that's very hot. Connie stevens. Okay, okay, there's an expression, where there's smoke there's... Cheech and chong. No. Okay, okay, when you were in your tower and lightning hit your forest, what did you get? Crispy nose hairs? Okay. No. This is the one thing that's destroying all of our forests. Yeah. Too much urine. Almost out of time, red. Yeah. Okay. Okay, gord, remember how that forest burnt to the ground outside rock creek point? What happened there? Yeah, right, the forest ranger fell asleep... For a month. You know, for a while there, I thought they were going to fire him. Hey! There we go! [ ♪ ] winston: I'm a little hungry. Red: Well, there's some sandwiches in the cooler there, winston. Winston: Uh, this smells a little weird. How old is this? Red: I'm not sure. When's the last time we went fishing? Mike: Hey, what's the worst food you guys ever ate? Red: Vegetables. Winston: No offence, mike, but for me it had to be your macaroni surprise. Mike: Really? I thought you liked it. Red: Surprise. Mike: That's nothing. You guys ever had prison food? Red and winston: No. Uh-hunh. Mike: Well, it is disgusting. And such tiny portions. Red: What's the worst thing you ever ate, mike? Mike: Evidence. Winston: I ate grubs once. Mike: Why would anyone eat grubs? Red: Maybe they were out of crickets. Winston: Hey, look, when you're lost in the woods for days and you haven't eaten, grubs start to look pretty darn good. Mike: Oh, okay, well, that's just human nature. You never know what you're capable of until you're in a desperate situation. Like many times I was forced to steal simply because people wouldn't give me their stuff. Winston: We all make choices, you know? Red: Yup, that we do. Winston: Anthony anthony says the quality of your choices is based on the calibre of your alternatives. Red: Well, yeah, that's why the sell a lot more ladas in russia than they do here. Mike: It's supply and demand, really. Like, when you're in prison, the women start looking better. Red: So do the men, I hear. Winston: Bernice married you. I mean, she must have had some pretty slim pickings. Red: Yeah, it was either me or one of you guys. Did you know it took isaac newton over 20 years to discover gravity? That's because he just sat around thinking. If he was an active handyman, he would have hit on gravity a lot sooner, especially if he had one of these extension ladders. I tell you, an extension ladder is a dangerous thing. It's like a fat guy with tiny feet. It can tip over about a million different ways. So this time on handyman corner, we're going to build something a lot safer than a ladder. That's right. An escalator. Okay, for starters you wanna take down your clothesline, because that's going to become part of the drive mechanism for the unit. But you're also going to need a motor. So to save money there, I suggest you take the motor of an existing appliance, like, say, maybe a washing machine. I mean, you already took down your clothesline. You're not going to be doing any laundry. Okay, I got my drive unit all in place there. And wired her up with a couple of 3-way switches so I can turn it on and off from two different places. You know, like those switches you have in your house for when your wife forgets you're still home and turns off the basement light while you're down there trying to get a sliver out of your upper thigh. So I can turn my escalator on by pushing the switch down here and then turn it off from the top of the ladder. I'll tell you why that's important later. Okay, now we get to the tricky part... The collapsible steps. I'm going to use folding chairs on that. But here, again, you don't want to go over budget. So go to the most unpopular club in your town -- you know, something like citizens against beer. They're going to have way more folding chairs than they need, and you can help them out with that problem. Okay, but all I need is the back and the folding seat there, so I'm just going to take a couple of minutes and hack the legs off there. Okay, I've got my legless chairs attached to the clothesline lift system, and what I wanted to show you I ended using those skis that you saw earlier. I turned them upside down so the chairs don't catch on the rungs, because doing a handyman project is like making wieners... You end up using everything. All right, let's give her a dry run. Okay, we're almost done, but I better pick up the pace a little bit because I want to finish this project before my medical insurance runs out. Okay, just had to add the handrail on there, and we're ready to go. Again I saved myself a few dollars here. This is just a garden hose that I split and then fit it over the edge of the plywood. The hose didn't cost me anything because my neighbours are away. Actually, even the plywood wasn't that hard to come by. Okay, that's enough talk. Time for a little upward mobility. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should, at least find you handy. [ ♪ ] you know, when a man gets to a certain age, he's learned a thing or two. I don't mean that figuratively either. I'm saying maybe one, two things tops. Now, some of you guys may think you know more than I'm giving you credit for, but you're just mistaking useless trivia for actual knowledge. Oh, sure, I'm sure you sit there in your living room yelling out the answers to your favourite tv game show. You might even get some of them right. But I'm talking about applied wisdom for your golden years in the off chance that you actually have golden years. See, the middle-aged mind is kind of like a computer -- an old computer, like maybe a commodore 64. And you got peanut butter on the keys and sneeze marks all over the screen. Now, if you don't want that computer to be declared obsolete, I'll tell you what you got to do. You got to clear off some space on the old hard drive there. Things like your wife's birthday, hey, that's a keeper. But knowing who wrote the theme song to mchale's navy, well, that one can go. Likewise, I'm sure there was a time when it was important to know who scored the winning touchdown in the 1976 superbowl, how many yards he ran, that fact that he slipped in the endzone because it was raining that day. But if that stops you from remembering which wires go where when you're jump starting a car, or that flammable and inflammable actually mean the same thing, well, you're probably not going to enjoy any more superbowls. So what I'm saying is lose the trivia, keep the knowledge. You may never be on jeopardy, but you'll also never be in it. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. When there's no fog in town except for your patch, when it gives you an itch where you'd rather not scratch, call rothschild's now, and I'll be dispatched. Light up that switchboard, just don't light a match. Bring that manhole cover, will you, harold? Okay, I think we got that missile problem all figured out. I think we should contact the u.S. Air force. You know, from the cold war. This could be one of their missiles. Well, I'm not going to be calling the u.S. Air force. What do I say? We've got a missile? They take that as a threat, we're in real trouble. Well, then contact the canadian air force. Harold, it's after six. He's gone home. [ applause ] you have to call somebody. Call the bomb squad. Call the bomb squad. Just call somebody, please. Just relax. Are you afraid that we don't know much about missiles? I'm afraid you don't know much about anything. Just be reasonable. What's the worse thing that could happen? Hmm. Oh, let's see. Oh! The missile goes off and kills everything in a 50-mile radius! You don't think? No, no, no, no. No, the danger is the missile going off unexpectedly. So the solution is we got to set the missile off on purpose. Yes. I feel so much better. Well, and you should, see? I figure we're going to screw the manhole cover down on top of the well, okay. Then we detonate that puppy right down inside there. We put the fish net to lay down right on top of that manhole cover there. I figure the cover's going to absorb, I'm guessing, 95% of the energy. So then the missile will get all tangled up in the fish net and just flop down beside the well. Yeah. Yup. Yup. And you're serious? Dead serious. Let's hope not. Red: Walter had asked me to join him in behind the lodge to do a little bit of work on his car. And one of the first things I do when working on a vehicle is kind of check the oil. And he hadn't changed his oil in a while. So we had a case of oil. I thought this might be a good way to start. So I give him the wrench and the pan there and said go down underneath. Put a piece of plywood down there and so he keeps his clothes a little cleaner. All he's got to do is take the drain plug off the pan and get the old oil out, and we'll put the new oil in. I'm sure it's the first time walter had ever done this. It's kind of rusted on there. But he finally got the -- get the pan. The pan, walter, the pan. There you go. All right. So we got her all filled up and he wrings that out. And he didn't spill too much of it really. Not too bad. So he gets up and -- when you're doing your own oil changes, here's an important -- look for the drain plug. A lot of times it'll drop right into the. There is is there. See, it's important. You go put that back on, walter. That goes back on. Away you go. And we have a big can we keep for recycled oil down there. So I just go down and dump the pan in there, and, well, she got away from me a little bit. So, okay. Good enough. Now I'm starting to put the oil -- I put a few quarts in at this point. I figure it was -- you know, for a small engine, it was really holding a lot of oil. So I thought maybe I'd just check to see how we're doing. And, uh, real surprise. I pull it out, and it's just bone dry. And, uh, I can hear oil running. It's running down the wood and right down the hill. So, you know, I'm saying to walter, like what happened to that drain plug? And he says, no problem. I got it right here. I said, you gotta go put that in walter. It's got to go into the pan. But now everything is so darn slippery, the grass, everything, that it just virtually takes off on him and away he goes. And I try to -- I did my best to save him. Oh, boy. So he's okay, but -- now, I'm looking at the board, and suddenly I got a great idea. Hmm... Yeah... So what I did was I mounted the board on kind of a display / easel thing 'cause to me, this is an oil painting. And we had a big local collector. He's about 6'5", and he came over and looked. He was interested in it, and we were having kind of a special feature today. You could meet the artist. And I think we were doing fine until walter tried to shake his hand. Way to go, walter. Killed another art sale. [ ♪ ] okay, now, this may look like a romantic candlelight dinner, but it's not. For starters, I'm alone, so there's no change for romance or just friends. So why the candles? Well, that could be because the power is out. My wife's over at her mother's, and I'm eating leftover chili that I warmed up over the exhaust manifold of the possum van. But the big problem is I've got to get up early in the morning, and all I've got is this electric alarm clock. Okay, here's where I get really smart. You've been waiting a while for this, haven't you? This is a battery powered smoke detector. And this lever closes the fireplace damper. G'night. [ snoring ] [ fire alarm buzzing ] [ hacking cough ] come on up here, harold. Okay. You should wear these welding goggles for safety and that kind of thing. No thanks, harold. What's with all the jumper cables? Well, lloyd never paid his electrical bill, so he's got no power over there. So we're actually going to ignite the missile from possum lodge mission control. Right here. Okay, red. It looks like it's all systems go. Okay. Great. Great. Harold, you take this jumper cable. I want to you to go that terminal at the far end there, because I can't reach both terminals. So it takes two guys to light this candle, baby. Wow! It's like the real deal, like when those two guys have to turn the keys at exactly the same time. Well, we like to do everything by the book. You know that, harold. This is so cool. I'm not doing it, but it's so cool. Well, fine. Ed, here. You do the honours. Harold, you do the countdown, okay? Okay, okay. Watch that. Watch that. Red: Go! Harold: All right. Initiating final countdown sequence to launch. 10 minutes and counting. 9 minutes and 59 seconds. Just start at 10 seconds, would you, please! Initiating final revised countdown to launch. Ten seconds. Harold, forget it. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, blast off! We have lift-off! Oh, baby! Uncle red! I don't think the manhole cover absorbed 95% of the force. The manhole did nothing. The fish net is going to do nothing at all, uncle red. Oh, yeah, harold? The fish net caught in the rafters, just like I planned. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. You go ahead. I'll be right down. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Kind of hoping we can put an end to our own personal cold war. I'm certainly ready to lay down my arms. And to rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody take a seat. We'll begin the meeting as soon as he arrives. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, guys, well, we got the missile off of lloyd's property, but we got a little bit of repair work to do on the roof. [ explosion ] and the lodge itself, apparently. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com